A Modest Proposal from MAR to Despair, Inc.

Dear Despair, Inc.,

I write you as a representative of a college campus student group, “Men Against Rape” (MAR), to enlist your resources in pursuit of our noble mission.

After careful consideration of what it will take to end sexual assault on our campus, we have come to two important conclusions:
1) We decided that if people are going to use their penises like weapons, then we as a society should treat them the same way we treat guns: Registered, tagged, and licensed…and if it gets used irresponsibly, the offender surrenders their privilege of use.

The only difference in this case between penises (penii?) and handguns is that is we actually recommend that people carry their genitalia concealed by default. Furthermore, we don’t require a license for doing so…yet. Depending on how bad the situation becomes, this may change.

Our program operates under the “tag and release” model, proven effective through decades of use in wildlife management. So far, we have conducted a Penis Registration Drive and have registered over 230 penises (penii?). Of those, most registrants have earned a License to Thrill. An unlucky few failed our “Use It Responsibly or Lose It” test, and ended up with a probationary “Learner’s Permit.” (1)

However, thus far the program has only registered people on a quasi-voluntary basis — the few of the population who were brave (or stupid) enough to approach us (Our t-shirts are bright pink, and we’re very enthusiastic). In order to register the rest of the population, we will need some heavy equipment…and firepower. Which brings us to our second point:

2) We need money, and lots of it, to spend on Penis Registration program stuff: Including radio tags or collars, radio tracking devices, long-distance observation equipment, a tranquilizer dart gun and accessories, and a pursuit helicopter.

Then the idea hit us: “We could do a fundraiser, selling DeMotivators at an outrageously marked-up price. At the same time that we make money from swindling our fellow disaffected college students, the influx of DeMotivators will cause the campus population to become so depressed that they won’t be able to use their penises (penii?) at all and campus sexual assault rates will plummet.” The logic is fool-proof.*

We thought you would be amenable since it is going toward the good cause of making disaffected college students even more disaffected. Just think: You could be remembered as “The company that helped create the first institutionally disaffected university!” Please help us, as our only other alternative is a guerilla castration campaign, which probably wouldn’t make us nearly as much money as we need. We also want to try less invasive management approaches first.

Lastly, if we haven’t managed to convince you yet, we are always willing to threaten, blackmail, or extort our way into a successful business partnership. On a completely separate note, we are happy to announce that our Campus Administration is now enthusiastically supportive of our Tag and Release licensing program, for reasons we have conditionally promised to keep secret. So much so that they have agreed to pay for 1/2 the cost of our pursuit helicopter, assuming that we can come up with the rest of the money. Apparently GI Joe was right, and blackmail (aka “knowing”) really *is* only half the battle.  What say you?

Sincerely,
Ethan Young
(A Man Against Rape)
PSU

(1) See Daily Vanguard newspaper article:
Men Help Women Take Back Night, Tag Penises (penii?) [ed: now defunct link]

*Except with the aid of massive quantities of alcohol, Ecstasy and generic Viagra in the right mixture (we find a 60:20:20 ratio sufficient to achieve the desired results of impaired judgment and maximum sustained horniness). However, this shouldn’t be a problem since all of these substances are difficult to find on a college campus.

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