032515 intrinsically allied

032515
—
stumbling numbly like a bumblebee
tumbling drunkenly between
blossoms on the tree

except the tree feels more
like cold steel and concrete
where blossoms begin to take shape
as square buildings of busyness
gleefully serving me
any of the poisonous pollens
and nectars that they make

at a certain point
in human prehistory
the appearance of civilized energy
upset a fundamental balance between
give and take

i try to track the myriad ways in which civilization levies its burdensome tax on life:

i pay once to play

twice for the resulting addiction to bring me back
down on my knees another day

three times to steal my health and autonomy
leaving me lonely, struggling on a path of (co)dependency
desperation holding sway

four times to turn
my friends and family into stranger
enemies divide and conquer, separate
alienate and stray

five times to institutionalize
this ubiquitous insanity
once intolerable, normalized
now the guiding light of life
here to stay

six times to close my eyes
to the process and pathology of the civilized
see no evil
hear no evil
speak no evil
let us pray

seven times for suicide

eight times for those of us who survive
smile and laugh the agony away

on the ninth i blame myself
— onslaught thoroughly justified —
for my failure to thrive through all the pain

the tenth time i found we pay
to close down, destroy, disincentivize
options available for us to choose once more
honest, liberated lives…

so we, shadow, slip and melt back into the fray

i look around at my fellow pollinators
falling toward the ground
like rain drops from the sky
hang my head in helpless shame
wonder why
and remember to reach beyond my given name
put myself inside of them again
intrinsically allied
as they die

so, then, do i

the mournful salt streams down my face
with the force of gravity from my eyes
when i realize how
— for most of our existence — we
now subservient technology
used to fly
and gave our lives to the controlling pen of history:
agriculture hierarchy
fortune, fear and fame.