Breaking: Thermonuclear superpower poses EMP threat to US security

November 24, 2014

Several US intelligence services made what appear to be coordinated announcements today confirming the looming prospect of an electro-magnetic pulse, or EMP, attack from the sun, which could kill millions and leave the nation crippled.  Analysts issued an official statement that the sun has been escalating offensive activities targeting the US for several months now.

The announcement was accompanied by the release of a video showing the giant star making aggressive gestures toward the relatively tiny and defenseless nation.  In a followup emergency news conference, the Obama Administration says it is monitoring the situation closely and is seeking diplomatic solutions first and foremost.  The press secretary has confirmed that they have yet to receive any formal communication or demands from the sun, but acknowledges that lines of communication remain open even though “solar aggression toward the United States demonstrates a complete disregard for the lives of innocent bystanders, such as Canada and Puerto Rico.”

US Response

The US government has responded to solar aggression by escalating its threat status from yellow to orange alert.  Emails and memos leaked from high-ranking officials one month ago indicate a furious debate over whether to consider the giant thermonuclear entity a terrorist organization or a rogue state due to its unique position as the primary provider of life on earth.  The FBI has confirmed the sun does exist on its terrorist watch list, along with its supporters, affiliates and the entire cast of Sesame Street.  When asked to justify the inclusion of all plant life on earth, an FBI spokesperson responded, “The reason is simple:  All plant life depends directly on the sun.  We know where their allegiances lie, and it’s not with the United States of America.” [sic]  The sun is the largest thermonuclear superpower also widely suspected to contribute to the growing planetary crisis of human overpopulation and global warming, two other known threats to US security interests.

The American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) has already issued a press release denouncing the listing of plant life on the watch list.  The release states in part: “We understand the threat the sun poses to the nation, but believe the Obama Administration is sliding down a slippery slope toward a bridge too far in its listing of plant life alongside the sun as a terrorist threat.  The overly-broad criteria used to justify the listing of plant life could be used to list all life on earth, so where does it stop?  Sunbathers?  Outdoorsy folks? Pagans?  Humans?  Diurnal species?”

Lawmakers debate

Senior lawmakers in the US Senate have set the stage for discussions as soon as tomorrow on whether to support the president should he decide to take pre-emptive action against the solar threat.  Sen. Orrin Hatch (R Ut) issued the first statement, saying, “We, the people of the United States of America, need to take proactive measures to protect ourselves.  We simply are not equipped to repel this type of attack, should it occur.  I respectfully part ways with my colleagues who wish to continue ignoring this escalating threat to the security and safety of our nation.”  Sen. Bernie Sanders (D Vt) issued an impassioned video statement speculating as to whether the Administration has already begun surgical drone strikes without congressional consent:  “We have the technology, and the president has already employed it illegally in Pakistan,” he wrote.  “Why not the sun, as well?  No one pays attention to NASA, anymore, so the unauthorized launch of any drones would likely go unnoticed or without comment from the mainstream media. The US public has a right to know.”  Candidates and lawmakers from other parties issued their own statements, but no one cared.

Energy interests

So far, internal fighting among Republicans has hampered discussion concerning whether to neutralize the threat the sun poses through decisive force or to bring peace and democracy to the center of our solar system through another invasion, occupation and nation building project.  Project for The New American Century and other proponents of invading and building permanent US military bases on the sun’s surface cite US energy interests in the sun’s status as the single greatest source of energy available to the US, including Iraqi oil fields.  Invasion proponents conclude that “the sun should be our single greatest focus for an energy secure future.”

Energy companies British Petroleum and Royal Dutch Shell each issued separate white papers describing a potential “win-win” scenario where careful energy drilling projects from platforms stationed just above the sun’s turbulent surface could “potentially redirect solar aggression toward more productive activities in support of global corporate interests, creating both peace and profit, with very little risk to energy workers or life on earth.”

Public impact

The looming solar threat has sparked renewed interest in recruiting dark-skinned people into the US military.  High levels of the melanin pigment in dark-skinned Americans have led some to speculate as to their ability to serve as an ideal invasion force for pre-emptive action in desert areas or on the sun’s surface. Robert Kagan of the Project for the New American Century wrote in a 2002 Op-Ed supporting the eminent Iraq invasion, “Not only do [dark-skinned people] have a remarkable natural resistance to the sun’s harmful rays, but they look a lot like our enemies.  We can’t say either of those things about us white folk.  With the utmost respect, we ask all our poor dark-skinned citizens to answer this call of duty to serve our great nation as the ultimate patriots.”

The National Association for the Advancement of Colored People, ACLU and everyone else with a functional cerebral cortex have long disputed the notion that melanin would offer dark-skinned people “any meaningful protection against the sun as a solar invading force,” calling it “unreasonably discriminatory.”  The Southern Poverty Law Center countered that “white skin reflects light so well that white people could just as easily serve as the primary staffing force for Operation Human Shield,” referring to a major component of the US national defense strategy since the September 11 2001 attacks on the World Trade Center orchestrated by the sun-worshipping terrorist group Al Qaeda, formerly led by now-deceased Vice-President Dick Cheney. US Special Forces successfully assassinated the terrorist leader in the foothills of the border between Pakistan and Afghanistan late last year, suffering only one superficial shotgun wound to the face in the process, thought to be from friendly fire.

Scientific response

Independent scientists who have examined the evidence available to the public call the aggressive maneuvures “solar flares.”  In a largely-ignored press release, they urge the public to remain calm, stating that, “Solar flares are regular occurrences and should not have caught the US intelligence community by surprise.  There appears to be no evidence indicating that the sun intends any direct threat or malice toward earth or the United States, although we certainly acknowledge that the threat exists and has existed for a long time.  We repeat the recommendation we made thirty years ago that communities prepare emergency procedures in the event of an EMP attack from the sun.”

The sun could not be reached for comment.